i grieve different

everything i love abt the internet the freedom of expression, the freedom to be curious and to try new things, the freedom to be whoever i want to be and to be respected just as that. a place to be vulnerable.

the freedom of cops of nazis.

used to exist in one real place in the world for me.

these places exist and they have always existed.

it was located in 51°03'32"N 6°25'35"E and there is nothing of it left. it's not everyday that a place is just destroyed completely, only a 200m deep hole left where it has been. it sounds like sci-fi but it's called lignite mining. it actually happens every day.

people say this is the cost of progress but that is not progress it's fossil fuel extractivism and it's killing hundreds of millions of people in the global south. it is colonial violence.

most people take the rules that we live by (in most societies) for granted. they think it's normal that people are homeless. to have to eat alone every day. to have every aspect of your life controlled by the rules of private property and capitalism.

i think i was very lucky to have had the chance to experience otherwise. (post-)covid climate activism in germany was a different game and there were autonomous zones arising next to coalmines and other places of colonial destruction.

within these windows of freedom there was space to experiment for people what it feels like to just live. what do you actually need for living? we put the material and emotional needs of everybody first. i'm struggling to put into words how it feels when there's actually nobody to tell you what you can and can't to. when your time only belongs to and so do your decisions.

lützerath was a huge real life liminal space. liminal because everybody living there knew it was going be destroyed. kilometres of minecraft superflat rhineland landscape on one side and a hole down to the bedrock on the other with huge diggers, which far away they look like little insects. it looked like the moon or like something from starwars. and in the middle that tiny island of lütz with it's few dozens of big trees and like 5 houses left and anywhere between a dozen and hundreds of anarchists working together in really uncoordinated but sometimes suprisingly efficient ways to try to prevent or maybe delay or maybe not even that because most people were just there because they knew it was the right thing.

life was feeling surreal after that and i was frightened but i felt alive like had in that place and maybe the most since i was a child. but slowly this society comes and gets you and now i'm back to being a depressed gen z genderless with too much screentime again. at least for now.

it's painful to see how the word and maybe me could be so different but then be back to where i've been before. i doubt myself sometimes did this really happen? how did i ever have that much hope?? what kind of fool can be believing in anarchy at twenty-something when there is degrees to be made and wage labour to be did and parents to be proven shit.

fuck this dumb ass society i'm not putting up with that violent shit and i will keep doing what i want.

X <3 ∀